From the Dog House of Rowan the Dog, Bishop of Playing
To All Creatures:
Grace and treats to you in the name of me and all the Diocese of Playing.
We have taken a break from our important ministries of jumping, running, digging, and barking in order to consider for a moment the very bad behavior of the human bishops in The Episcopal Church.
I bark the truth to you. You know my only desire, besides treats, is to heard you into truth and play. So, listen carefully and we'll just review a couple points of good behavior:
ON THE SUBJECT OF SECRET COMMITTEES:
It is good behavior to have secret committees if you are a secretive type of club like the Klu Klux Klan.
It is not good behavior, and your guardian will be real disappointed, if you have a secret committee and one of your stated organizational values is transparency. The Episcopal Church has always been among the most transparent organizations in the whole human world. To suddenly have a secret committee is a slap in the face of one of its finest attributes. It's a chink in the armor of what has made TEC strong; that is, the ability to scrutinize itself.
It is bad behavior to be on a secret committee.
ON THE SUBJECT OF STUDYING EACH OTHER:
It is bad behavior for humans to study other humans without asking them first. I think that it is real disrespectful and mean when the humans treat each other like experiments. Not even goats are that mean. In fact, in all the animal world it is pretty much unheard of.
Besides, I think the humans could find a more compelling subject. I live with a lesbian and, just to be totally honest, it's not all that interesting. The human's time would be better spent studying molecules of stuff, or trying to figure out what planet those big Humbolt Squid are from.
It is bad behavior to objectify others.
ON THE SUBJECT OF COMMITTEES:
The purpose of committees is to get people to work together for a common good. A lot of times that's what happens, too. Committees are good in that way. But, sometimes, and this is a big problem among the humans, a committee gets set up just so that people can share blame and not do the right thing. It is bad behavior to be on one of those committees.
As an example, the human bishops have been studying human sexuality for about twenty or thirty years. Someone, PLEASE, tell them how to do it already!!! It seems like these bishops are just avoiding having sex because they don't know how to do it. And now they're planning to put it off until 2011. Even sheep don't take that long to figure it out.
And, on a related matter, since the human bishops don't even know how to have sex themselves, they shouldn't try to tell other people how to do it. The human bishops should stop studying sex and just have a try at it themselves. Hopefully, if they can resolve their own sexual issues they will relax a little bit and start being smarter and nicer.
It is bad behavior to talk about things you don't know about.
ON THE SUBJECT OF SEX:
It is good. Sex is good.
There are different ways of doing sex according to what kind of creature you are. Ducks, for example.... eewww. Ducks don't do it like dogs, I'll tell you that. But, because they are ducks, we accept their ways. Same thing with worms whose sexual practices I don't even want to think about. It is important, though, if you are a worm to have sex in the worm way. Otherwise, it won't be a very good experience. Same with all the other animals. Turtles shouldn't try to have sex like horses. It's not good behavior. But, if you're a horse then it's OK. By the same token, lesbians should have sex in the lesbian way. Straighter people, in the straighter way. You get the idea. That's the way it works. And, when everyone has sex in the way that God made for them then all's right with the world.
It is bad behavior to have sex in a way that is not natural for you.
Most all the members of our diocese know these things and are real good players. I know that you take your ministries seriously and do your best to make God feel happy. Of special note, I'd like to point out the fine wiggling ministry that some of you are engaged in. There's also been an increase in the barking ministry for which I know some have been unjustly sent to their kennels. But, take heart dear creatures. All is well in our Guardian's Kingdom. But for the nuisance of these few human bishops we'd already be in glory.
Return to your playing and pray for the human bishops and the poor humans who continue to suffer unjustly from apostolic laziness and stupidity. May they soon forget their silly and evil need to oppress and join us in Playing!
Your bishop and friend,
+Rowan the Dog
PS - If you do find yourself in the very bad position of having set up a secret committee for the purpose of studying other people's sex without telling them, and someone nicely asks you for the names of the people on your secret committee, don't respond by being a paternalistic prick. That is bad behavior.